And after the game
by chibilinnet
Summary: After the game, Riku stumbles upon the Kingdom Hearts section of fanfiction.net! What follows is the most stupiest and confusing fanfiction ever to grace the Kingdom Hearts section.
1. Ah, the big discovery!

****

AND AFTER THE GAME...

by chibilinnet

MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I have to infect this section too! 

*gets various boos and middle fingers pointed at her*

Hmph! Well, anyway, this is merely set after the game, where a bunch of stuff happens. Don't ask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the defeat of Ansem, everything was back to normal at Destiny Islands, which was now called Disney Islands because those corporal Disney bastards tore down half of the island and set up a Disney theme park with Squaresoft. It was so damn loud that Riku could not get any sleep, and here he was browsing fanfiction.net.

"Ooh, they have a Kingdom Hearts story! Let's see how many fangirls I have.." he grinned, and clicked on the link. Lo, and behold, his emerald eyes widened in horror as he looked upon summary after summary of..

SoraXRiku pairings.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!" He screeched girlishly, jumping back as if the computer turned into the QUEEN SPIDER and was ready to eat him. 

His squeal temporarily drowned out the horrible "theme-park music" for a few minutes and awakened Riku's father, the powerful, almighty..

Sephiroth! (aka Lance Bass)

and his wife, Aerith (aka Mandy Moore). But-

*Linnet gets hugged by avid AeriSeph fans*

-um, anyway, Sephiroth got mad. And you know how "meen" Sephiroth can get when he was mad. He ripped off the covers and stormed to Riku's room, and banged on the door.

"GODDAMMIT, RIKU, STOP SQUEALING LIKE A GIRL, YOU SOUND LIKE YER MOTHER!" He screamed. 

"Sorry!"

"Better be.." The former general muttered and stalked away, falling happily into a coma-induced sleep after Aerith whacked him on the head hard with the Princess Guard.

Back at Riku's room, he pondered on many things while staring at the computer screen. Why did people pair him and Sora up? Why does Mom always beat Dad with a fancy stick? And why was he named after a FF10 character? And most of all..

Is Kairi a lesbian?

Thinking hurts Riku's head, a side effect of having a Mako-infested dad, a creepy Cetra mom and being on the dark side, making his father proud, for a brief moment. So He turned off his computer and fell asleep, waking up every so often to throw a brick at any stupid visitors trying to steal his underwear and sell them on eBay.

*******THE NEXT DAY*******

"Stupid goddamn tourists tried to steal the Masamune again! You'd think after two or three Super Nova summons they would learn but noooo..." 

Sephiroth went on with his daily ritual of whining and bitching that started ever since Disney set up the theme park, while Aerith nodded her head automatically and made breakfast. Ah yes, the typical suburban family... well, almost.

"MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDD!!" Riku called, sliding down the railing. "I'm going to my friend's house!"

"Have fun dear!" Aerith cooed. Sephiroth just grunted and started to clean the blood from the Masamune.

"Come back at 6:00, we'll kill some more tourists.." Sephiroth told him, trying to peel some dried blood left on the hilt.

"OKAY!!" Riku smiled like an idiot and skipped out the door.

"Honey, as much as you want to spend father-son time with him, I don't think killing innocent people is the right way.." Aerith muttered.

"Aw, c'mon, you just don't like killing because I killed you!" Sephiroth argued. 

A whack on the head with the Princess Guard ended the conversation, leaving a satisfied grin on Aerith's face and a big bruise on Sephiroth's skull.

~~~~

Sora was staring at the water, missing his Ultima Weapon. Cloud had sued and gained back custody of the weapon, and all Sora had now was this stupid wooden stick. 

"I miss my Keyblade.." Sora sighed, and threw a rock at the water. The fishes scattered and then regrouped. It reminded Sora of how stupid fishes were. He grinned and threw another rock. Fishies scatter, fishies come back. Fishies scatter, Fishies come back..

"Hey, Sora!"

Ah! Riku had found Sora, and now had to ask... the question...

"Sora, I have to ask you something!" Riku said, waiting for Sora to come over. But Sora was still engrossed in the fishies, throwing rocks at them. Annoyed, he knew the only thing that could break Sora's concentration.

"SOMEONE'S GONNA GET A SUPER NOVA SUMMONED ON THEM IF THEY DON'T GET YER ASS HERE!!!"

Zing! Faster than Donald Duck with his ass on fire, Sora was there, tapping his wooden sword on his leg.

"Yah?" He asked, mind trailing off to mental pictures of..

*static*

."Anyway, Sora.. I gotta ask you something.." Riku hesitated to ask. he question sounded stupid, but he had to ask, and he had to know!

"Sora.. do you.. erm.. have..feelings for me..in .. you know.. *that* way?"

Sora's eyes widened. Riku braced himself for the answer.

"Well.. I..-"

*BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP!!!*

*The author is not available right now. Please leave a message and call back later. Thank you-The Mental Hospital of Lancaster that was made up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SoraXRiku? SoraXKairi? RikuXthe rock blocking the way to the mushrooms?

The Cheshire cat knows all the answers.. but never tells… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!


	2. Oh my god, Sora, how stupid can you get?

****

CHAPTER TWO: Big Clown shoes are not good to run with

Sorry for the lack of plot. But hey, what can ya make a plot about? Riku wants to know if Sora likes him, Sora doesn't get it, Riku ends up liking Sora, but Sora still doesn't get it

Wow, 8 reviews in one chapter? I've reached an all time high here, folks. WHOOPIE! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Men in white coats: You have 30 minutes, Linnet.

Yikes! Well, here's the disclaimer is forgot to add: 

**__**

I DO NOT OWN KINGDOM HEARTS, SORA, RIKU OR ANYONE ELSE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

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"Well... I... I... I don't understand.. what do you mean, *that* way?" Sora finished, scratching his head. Riku would have fallen over had it not been the fact he was leaning on a rock.

"Um... you know.. do you like me in that... do you..like-like me?"

"Like-like? Like, talk some sense man!!"

"Like.. like how your parents like each other!"

"Oh, Riku!" Sora laughed. "I don't whack you on the head with a fancy stick! Or yell at you.. or make nasty comments about your body.."

Riku hung his head. You had to be blunt, or nothing would go through Sora's thick hair, his equally thick skull, and to his small brain, surrounded by a shield of stupidity, the strongest element in all the known worlds. 

"Sora.. do you.. like me the way you like Kairi?"

Sora's eyes widened. _Ah, _Riku thought, _now he gets it.._

"Riku! You're my best friend! I don't hate you!" Sora assured him.

__

Dammit! Curse you, shield of stupidity, curse you!!

"Never mind.." Riku sighed. Now he will never know the source of all those SoraXRiku fanfics. What's a guy to do??

Riku started thinking, which was a bad thing to do, because all the sunlight, the loud noises coming from that DAMN THEME PARK and the fact that thinking for more than 10 seconds gives Riku cluster headaches (aka suicide headaches. Time Magazine is good for you).

"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGGH!! THE PAAAAAIIIINNNNN!!" Riku screamed, and imitated Cloud Strife beautifully by rolling around clutching his head, screaming in pain.

To add to the drama, Sora was running around waving his arms screaming "OH MY GOD!!" over and over again. Ah, nothing like good drama, eh?

*silence from the very few readers. One of them snickers and says "You suck!"*

Ah, be quiet. Anyway...

Eventually, Riku passed out from the pain. But Sora has to be a overdramatic! Cradling the unconscious Riku in his arms, he looked skyward.

"OH WHY?? WHHHHHHHHHYYY??? WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY?????? THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL, TAKING THE LIFE OF MY BEST FRIEND! NOOOOOOOOO-"

"Yeesh, Sora, you don't have to be so loud.." Riku interrupted. 

"RIKU! YOU'RE ALIVE!! I LOVE YOU MAN!!" Sora huggled the rather shocked Riku.

"Um.. yeah, I love you too.." Riku awkwardly patted Sora's back.

*Sniff* Ah, love blossoming in the islands...

Reader: Aw, shut up!! Get on with the story! We want SoraXRiku!

Other Reader: Anyway!

Dog: Woof!

............... -_-"

Unfortunately, they stayed in this...odd...position for too long. For at that moment, Sephiroth had rounded the corner and...

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!*

Your thirty minutes are up. Your thirty minutes are up. Your thirty minutes are up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheshire Cat: Ah, I love cliffhangers, don't you? So, will Sephy hear the truth? Will he get false accusations? Or will he pass out from shock? The Cheshire cat knows all the answers.. but never tells.. 


	3. Foreshadowing is a great thing

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CHAPTER THREE: Conformers are good for everything

Nice surprise for Yuffie/Leon fans... Not a nice surprise for Squall/Rinoa fans or Yuffie/Reno fans.

... and how many stages of shock are there? I only listed five, but I think there were six... does anyone else know?

****

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN KINGDOM HEARTS. THERE. I SAID IT. NOW STAY AWAY, EVIL LAWYERS OF DEATH AND DOOM!

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Sephiroth rounded the corner...

... and saw the two boys hugging each other. HUGGING. Now, if they were girls, he could shrug that off, but males they were. This gave Sephiroth a large shock.

"OH MY GOD!" He freaked out.

"This is not happening... they were not hugging... they were not... they were not... oh my god, this isn't true... DAMMIT!! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?? I TRIED TO RAISE A STRAIGHT SON THROUGH PORN AND THIS IS THE RESULT?? ... If only there was something I could do to get Riku straight, I would do anything... stop picking on Strife... stop killing tourists... be nicer to Aerith... anything, anything... *sigh* I guess... I failed. I'm a failure of a father, I don't deserve to live... Oh well, there could be worse things, like fainting from lack of air and waking up in a soon-to-be-married couple's house..."

He then fainted. From lack of air.

"Wow! My dad went through the five stages through shock in less than a minute..." Riku gasped. Truly a great accomplishment, no?

"... But when he wakes up, he's gonna be real mad... what are we gonna do??" Sora whimpered.

Riku patted him on the back. "It's OK... I know! Let's go visit Leon! He can help us!"

"Well, that's nice and all...", Sora agreed, "... but how are we gonna get yer dad to Leon's place anyway?"

Riku stared at his father's unmoving body. 

"... We drag him."

And drag him the boys did.

~~~

It was a long way to Leon's place (at one point, while they were crossing a river, Sephiroth slipped and floated downstream. He got wedged between two rocks and was pretty easy to find), but finally, the boys made it.

"Yay! Now, maybe Leon will know what to do, even though there is a good chance that he won't, because I like bugging him!" Sora cheered.

Riku ignored that fact. Dragging around your behemoth of a father to have his memory wiped was not fun. Oh, no, not fun at all. 

"Well, Sora, go knock on the door or something, I think he's starting to come to..."

Sora nodded, and started to walk the other way.

"Sora, the door is..."

"YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!" Sora ran forward with a sudden burst of speed, aiming a kick at the defenseless wooden door.

CRACK! Went the door. 

"Yay!" went Sora.

Searching through Sephiroth's wallet for money to compensate for the damage, went Riku.

"^%$&%*&%&^$^%#@^%$(^&*%&^$^%# SORA!! HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU THAT KNOCKING WAS SUFFICENT!" went Leon, scowling, looking at the ruined remains of what was once his door.

"Squall, whossat?" Yuffie asked sleepily, shuffling up to Leon ("It's LEON, Yuffie..."). Both were wearing a bedsheet and both's hair was very messy. This indeed gave people certain ideas...

"Um... Hi?" Riku waved.

Leon snorted and set his tired blue eyes on the sleeping form of Sephiroth. The scowl quickly turned into a look of utter confuzzlement (IT IS A WORD! I'LL PROVE IT!).

"Errr... we need a mind-wiping mage and Sora said we should look for you..." Riku stammered.

"Wha?" Yuffie rubbed her bleary purpleish-gray eyes. Riku noticed a large sapphire ring on her finger. Leon quietly explained what they needed and Yuffie nodded. 

"Eh, you don't need a mind-wiping mage... Jus' hold on..." Yuffie shuffled up the stairs, while Leon clutched the bedspread tighter.

Sora was still in a stage of confusion, so Riku decided to ask.

"Leon... what was Yuffie wearing?"

"A bedsheet, stupid..." Leon muttered.

"No, I mean on her finger..."

Leon suddenly went redder than a tomato about to be squelched to make ketchup and suddenly found great interest in the ceiling fan.

"An engagment ring..." He quietly answered, not daring to look at Riku's grinning face.

"What about Rinoa?" Sora asked, blinking up trying to find what Leon found so interesting. When he caught sight of the ceiling fan, Sora smiled with glee and started to follow it with his eyes.

"She's married to Seifer. Not that I liked her much anyway..." Leon shrugged. "And Yuffie says Reno's more interested in Tifa, whose single because Cloud is still trying to break Aerith and Seph up... sheesh that guy won't give up..."

Riku opened his mouth to query when the wedding would be, but he was interuppted by Yuffie bounding down the stairs, still clutching her bedsheet, this time carrying her Conformer.

Grinning, Yuffie skipped over to Sephiroth, turned to the blunt side of her Conformer (I don't really know about the Conformer, I didn't get it yet, but I'm saying it's blunt because she hasn't used it for about 5 years) and SMACKED poor Sephiroth on the head 6 times.

"AHHHHHHH!!! I'M SORRY, AERITH, I'LL STOP STEALING RIKU'S STUFFED NOIL*!!" Sephiroth bolted upright, looking around widely, stopping when he found Yuffie grinning at him. Quickly Sephiroth, by instinct, checked his wallet. 

Three pairs of eyes turned to Riku, who blushed in a shade of red to rival Leon's, then back at Sephiroth, who was satisfied with the contents of his wallet.

"So, Yuffie, what's an ..'en-gage-mant r-ee-ng..." Sora attempted to ask. Yuffie giggled and looked over to Leon, who found sudden interest in the ceiling fan again.

"Well... me and Squall are gonna get married..." Yuffie happily explained, while Leon concetrated harder on the ceiling fan, muttering "It's Leon...".

"Eh? Excellent! When's the wedding?" Sephiroth smiled. He remembered quite fondly his and Aerith's wedding... the happy faces, the glare of Cloud, the ensuring food fight at the reception party, Leon getting smacked in the face with the bouquet...

"We haven't decided..." Leon answered. He brought his head back down. "But we were gonna invite you anyway, so tell Aerith..." 

"Alright!" Sephiroth smiled, then noticed what Leon and Yuffie were wearing. 

"Errr... IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO!" Riku loudly stated, and grabbed both Sora's hand and his fathers, then left the house in haste.

"Wow, a wedding..." Sephiroth exclaimed, looking up to the starry sky. "Aerith will be so happy... er, what were we doing in their place anyway?"

"We went there when you rounded the corner and..." Sora started, but Riku covered Sora's mouth.

"No reason, No reason at all."

~~~

Looking through his evil magic cauldron, The Chocobo Haired one looked at the retreating group that was Sephiroth, Riku and Sora.

"Soon..." he smiled, stroking the Buster Sword. "Soon.... MWAHAHAHAHA-OW! MY FINGER!!"

Cloud sucked on the finger. Poor finger. Whimpering, he tried to find a Band-Aid to fix his boo-boo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If there was one character I hated more than anyone else in FF7, it was Cloud. Oh, how I hated Cloud...

Anyway, what does this have to do with Sora and Riku? You will see, my friend, ah, you will see...

Anyway, next chapter will have a little more Cloud, and Selphie, Wakka, Tidus and Cid will show up, plus the return of DONALD AND GOOFY! Fun, fun, fun!

BTW, the wedding won't be for another chapter or so. And yes, I like the Leon/Yuffie pairing. Very much.


	4. The wedding! Even though I said it wasn...

****

CHAPTER FOUR: Three good things happened today!

First, if anyone cares, my first Gold Chocobo in any FF game, Rufus, was born. Whoot!

Second, I kicked the crap out of Kingdom Hearts. I had the Lionheart (no way in hell am I using Cloud's weapon!), Donald had the Violetta (too lazy to go through Hades Cup again...), Goofy had Herc's shield (Genji shield sucks). I DID get the Secret trailer, and it confused me.

Third... Sephiroth killed me. I suspect he was angry that I never write him in character, and refuse too. Ow.

OK, sorry ^_^; ANYWAY, Happy Thanksgiving! KILL THE TURKEY!! KILL IT!

****

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing here. Everything belongs to it's respective companies. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

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"Duuuuh... Donald, where are we going?" Goofy asked, scratching his butt in utter confusion.

Donald was quite disgusted at Goofy's stupidity, but since Goofy saved Sora from becoming a fried ex-Keyblade holder, the two had developed a non-homosexual bond. 

Actually, Donald at first refused, he was sick of that stupid whiny brat Sora, but Daisy threatened to stop sleeping with him. Now that...well, Donald could not have that happen.

So here he was, waiting for the two stupid drugged chipmunks to find the stupid Gummi Ship, with a confused Dog and three bags carrying porn magazines... to keep him "entertained."

Meanwhile, a few other major KH characters were getting ready for the wedding too!

~~~

"Sephy, does this dress make me look fat?" Aerith asked, twirling around in her normal FF7 dress.

"You look great in it, Aerith!" Sephiroth nodded. "It's the dress I killed you in!"

Aerith stopped twirling. 

"Hmmm... Maybe I should get that Wall Market dress out instead..."

~~~

"PRINCESS BELLE! JASMINE! SNOW WHITE! CINDERELLA! AURORA!" The White Rabbit called, holding a large bag of invitations and tripping all over the place.

The princesses of heart turned to him, concerned looks on their faces. Aurora helped the poor rabbit up while the rest dug through the invitations.

"Er... did I miss anyone?" The rabbit asked.

"YES!" cried out a shrill voice.

Alice stepped out of the shadows, wearing an angry scowl on her face.

"You always forget about me!" She whined. "All because I happen to be SMALL, you all ignore me! Or is it because I'm really not a princess?? I'M AS PRINCESS AS ANY OF YOU STUPID ROYAL BITCHES! I AM A PRINCESS OF HEART TOO! STOP IGNORING MEEEEE!"

Unfortunately, Alice was right. She was too small, and the other princesses just ignored her. Fuming, Alice stomped off, hell bent on causing death and doom (yay!) to come to the "Royal Bitches", as she liked to call them.

"You don't like being ignored, do you?"

Alice whirled around, only to see a familiar, Chocobo-Haired fighter grinning. He placed a hand on Alice's shoulder.

"I can help you be noticed. If you join me, you can take charge, get noticed, save the environment, blah blah blah..." Cloud rambled on.

Normally, a princess would consider her options and be concerned about the outcome. But Alice isn't a Princess by Disney Terms, so did she give a damn? Nope!

"Fine. We'll discuss it over lunch!" Alice agreed, shaking Cloud's hand.

Well, it looks like Cloud isn't gonna do any of his "EVIL HAPPY PLANS OF DEATH AND DOOM" alone, is he?

~~~

"Darkness is the essence of all hearts! I will use that darkness too..."

"Sir? An invitation to Leon and Yuffie's wedding has arrived!"

"A wedding? Excellent! That will be the perfect time to talk about my plans of darkness! I shall become one with it, and all hearts will collapse and give themselves to the darkness! HAHAHA-AIIIIIEEEEEE!! LOWLY ASSISTANT! CLOSE THE WINDOW, DAMMIT! THE LIGHT! THE LIGHT!!!"

"Yes, sir..."

(A/N: Guess who? :P)

~~~

"YOU ****ING KIDS!!! DO I PAY YOU TO SLACK OFF! GIT TO WORK OR I'LL KICK ALL OF YER ASSES SO HARD, YOU'LL FLY ALL THE WAY TO FINAL ****ING FANTASY X-2!!"

"Y-yes sir!"

Tidus, Wakka and Selphie started fixing up the gummi ship again, for fear that Cid would do just that.

"Cid! I am ashamed of you! Child labor is WRONG!"

Cid spun over to the source of the voice (he was lounging in a chair), only to face.... THE GREAT HERCULES!

"What?" Cid shrugged. "I pay them! HEY YOU! KID WITH THE FAKE JAMACAN ACCENT!"

"It's not fake, ya?"

"WHATEVER! TELL HERC HERE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE IT HERE!"

Wakka stood up, faced Hercules, and stared at him straight in the eye.

"Yesterday, I made a DOLLAR!" He smiled, holding up a piece of green paper that had a one written in marker on it. "And Tidus sowed his hands together!" Wakka pointed to Tidus, who was trying to hammer with his mouth.

Hercules raised an eyebrow. For some reason, he was disturbed.

~~~

Now that everyone was invited to the wedding (except Cid, who later got arrested for child labor), it's time to...err... go back to the storyline? Naw, let's just skip straight to the wedding.

Reader: Hey! But you said the wedding wasn't in this chapter!

QUIET YOU! *casts Flare on his sorry ass*

Toasted Reader: O_o'...OK...

~~~

"Hey, where's the priest?" Leon asked, looking around. Yuffie tapped her foot impatiently. Sephiroth looked at the door for the tweleve-hundreth time.

"I dunno. And where's Cloud?" He answered, shaking his head. Cloud was late for his wedding too... maybe it was because he still had a crush on Aerith, eh, who knows?

Riku and Sora just stood there, holding a ring each. Sora was asleep, Riku kept kicking him to wake him up. Obviously, since the story revolves around them and this chapter does not, I stuck them in here while going through the chapter a second time.

"AHEM! I, THE PRIEST HAS ARRI-OW!"

Entering in a graceful way, Ansem fell from the sky and hit his head on the alter. 

"Uh... yeah!" Ansem sat up and straightened his coat, then looked around smiling. "Um, now that I am here, let's get this great ceremony of darkness...uh, I mean, happiness, yeah...um... yeah."

Tense silence followed.

"Leon...Leonhart and Yuffie Kisaragi are about to be wedded. If anyone has any objections, speak up now, or try to sabotage the relationship later..."

More tense silence. Just then, the door flew open.

"I OBJECT!" Cloud yelled, running in, and tripping (everyone is quite clumsy in this fic, no?), landing on his spike and driving it securely through the ground.

"Ummm... and why is that?" Ansem queried, confused.

"Because... I LOVE AERITH, SEPHIROTH! YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!" Cloud yelled, trying helplessly to dislodge his head from the ground. He failed miserably. Aerith strode to Cloud, shaking furiously.

"Dammit, Cloud, I'm already married! This is Leon and Yuffie's wedding, and YOU RUINED IT!" Aerith screeched, eyes burning with more hatred than allowed in a person.

"YES! OPEN YOUR HEART TO DARK-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU TRANSVETITE FREAK!"

"...Yes ma'am..."

Aerith grabbed Cloud up from the ground and shook him like a mad woman that was embarrassed in front of all her friends at a wedding.

"NOW, YOU SIT DOW, SHUT UP, AND LET THE WEDDING CONTINUE!" She roared, throwing Cloud to a random seat., crushing all the pews in the surrounding area. She gracefully then stood in her spot, smiling and nodding.

"O-Ok... I-I now a-a-announce y-you...h-husband and w-w-w-w-wife... you may n-now k-kiss th-th-the bride..." Ansem choked, his tears now from the wedding but more of that was the fifth time someone called him a transvestite freak today.

And they did just that, more of making out then kissing, but same difference, eh?

Ansem burst into tears and ran away, Sora asked Riku why they were trying to eat each other, Riku cried, because of Sora's mass stupidity is as endless as Ansem's obsession with darkness, Aerith and Sephiroth cried and hugged, the other guests just stare at Cloud, who was bawling in the corner. the church then became flooded and everyone fled. MWAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Now, to the reception par-tee!...next chapter...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAA!!!!!! ...Yes, I think my writing was gotten steadily worse. I dunno. I just hate describing things. VERBS ARE EVIL! GO DIALOGUE! Anyway, next chapter, everyone WILL get a scene…

Ansem: *plays with a flashlight* Ooh, what does this button do?

*flashlight turns on*

Ansem: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! THE LIGHT!! MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE! THE LIGHT! THE LIIIGGHHTTT!!

I actually like Ansem. He's funny! *pokes Ansem's twitching body*


	5. Cloud's plan UNVEILED! Or however you sp...

****

CHAPTER FIVE: All hail the Lord of the Cheese!

Why do none of my chapter titles make sense? O_o I'm a very disturbing person....

Anyway, have you ever heard of Ansem and Sephiroth getting drunk and doing striptease? You have now! XD!

*glomps Rufus Shinra* MINE!!

Also, I've noticed I was going a bit too easy on Cloud, hence the intro to the fifth chapter. I have to be meaner... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Anyway, here are the people who were invited to Leon and Yuffie's reception party. It's a small list:

All the Princesses of Heart. Only three of them get lines, though

Donald and Goofy

Hercules

Aerith, Sephiroth and Cloud

Beast

Riku and Sora

Ansem

**__**

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. It's all Square, or someone else. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of the world's greatest events happened at reception parties. Like Reno and Tifa's party: Cloud had a fit and destroyed half the restaurant... with Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden discussing plans in a reserved spot in the corner.

He received the Medal of Honor, and the Nobel Prize for World Peace for that.

And at Aerith and Sephiroth's party: Cloud had another fit and started a huge food fight. Not only did he have to pay $30,000 in damages, but he also got in the Guinness Book of Records for world's most violent food fight. 

He killed an innocent bystander with a watermelon. That innocent bystander happened to be Britney Spears.

At Rude and Elena's wedding, Cloud threw yet another fit, for both Aerith and Tifa refused to sit with him. Cloud had gone insane and destroyed the closest building.

That building was AOL HQ. 

Perhaps, it is better to say that the world's greatest events happened at reception parties Cloud went to.

That said, we all better duck for cover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I can't find Kairi anywhere..." Riku muttered, coming back to the punch bowl where Sora was filling himself a cup of punch.

"Oh. I wish I could help you." Sora sighed, handing Riku the cup of punch. He looked down on his leg, which had a very cold metal ring around it. It whirred and beeped and also had an timer counting down to the days Sora could finally take it off.

Riku flinched. After refusing to go to the Easter Dance with her, Kairi got revenge and attached a bomb that would explode should Sora come within 50 feet to her. This made apologizing very hard for poor Sora.

"Oh well..." Riku shrugged and took a swig of his drink. Immediately, he spat it out and started choking and hacking.

"GACK! This tasted like someone pissed in it!!!" 

~~~~~~

Cloud zipped up his fly, feeling oddly satisfied. It was now time for Phase Two of the plan. This required a certain forgotten princess and 50 gallons of gasoline. What's is Cloud's evil plan this time?

"Mwahahahahahahahaha! Soon, I will bring...destruc..destruc-teey... um, um..." Cloud struggled with his limited vocabulary. 

"Destruc... DESTRUC-TEE-ON...ISH... AAAAAAAHHH! WHY AM I SO STUPID???" Cloud cried in utter anguish, cursing the grinning author, and wondering why she hated him so.

Alice stared at him with a raised eyebrow. It was safe to say that she was the brains of the operation.

"Alice! Cloud! Dur, hello!"

Goofy happily walked over to Alice and Cloud, who was bawling for the second time .

"Durrr... Cloud, don'tcha think that Alice is a little young-ish for you?" Goofy scratched his head. 

"Ew, I'm not dating her, you stupid dog! We're going to blow up this place, and me and Alice will save everyone except Sephiroth, then we'll both be heroes, and Aerith will like me again!" Cloud explained, in as much detail as he could, about his plans.

Alice was "burning inside with violent anger", as the song puts it, at Cloud's insolence. His stupidity could be compared with Sora's! She quickly grabbed Maleficent's staff (a little souvenir she found on the ground of the Church Chapel) and held it up.

"DARK METEOR!" She cried, and laughed with glee as the rocks crashed down on Goofy, leaving nothing but a blood smeared mark on the floor.

Since this was Goofy, and since Ansem and Sephiroth were doing striptease in the corner under the influence of alcohol, no one noticed. Don't drink beer, kids, or you may end up doing THAT.

"Aw, Alice, why did you kill Goofy? He was the only one that didn't use confusing big words..." Cloud muttered. He was rewarded with a smack on the head.

"You fool! You almost gave away our plan! If it weren't for Ansem and Seph's drunken antics... what? Striptease! I'M THERE!"

And with that, Alice grabbed Cloud's spike and dragged him to the corner.

Before she got there, Belle walked in and blocked her path.

"Whoa, Alice, for the sake of the rating and for your mental health, I have to stop you, dear." Belle informed her gently. "Besides, you're kinda late. Aerith knocked both of them unconscious."

"DAMN YOU, BI-" Alice stopped when she saw the Beast walking over to Belle. Smiling weakly, she did a curtsy and excused herself as quickly as possible.

Beast and Belle stood there for a few moments, watching Aerith apologize to Yuffie and Leon (who were also drunk) and then watching her cast Ultima on Ansem and Sephiroth, much to everyone's amusement.

"So, Belle, wanna have sex?"

"No, Beast, unlike you, I have morals."

"Damn!"

~~~~~

"Cloud, this plan is NOT working!" Alice snapped, glaring at the ex-SOLDIER, who was wondering why Vincent Valentine just called him and demanded his clothes back.

"Yes it is! We just have to blow up the building! Here, I'll do it!" Cloud muttered, grabbing the match and striking it against the box.

"No! Not now! We have to set it off when Aerith and the others are in a position where they will not be killed by the-"

BOOM!

~~~~~

Somewhere on the other side of Destiny Islands, Lance Bass was running about, trying to hide from the enraged FFVII Sephy fangirls trying to kill him.

"THERE HE IS!" The Leader of the Fangirls yelled, twirling around her plastic Masamune sword. The other fangirls yelled and started to advance on the terrified singer.

"C'mon, I didn't do that bad of a job at Sephiroth's voice... he himself said I did OK! HELP!!! HELP!! WHERE ARE THOSE STUPID N*SYNC FANGIRLS WHEN YOU NEED THEM???"

"THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU NOW!" The leader, Pine, cackled. "You have dishonored our Sephy, now you must pay!" She raised her plastic Masamune, ready to deliver the finishing blow...

...until the Masamune, the real thing, flew down from the heavens and sliced Pine in half. The other fangirl's mouths dropped open in terror as the Masamune struck the ground before Lance, still shining immaculately.

"The Masamune has chosen him! He is the real Sephiroth!" One of them exclaimed. Ashamed by their earlier actions of trying to kill Lance, they bowed to the frightened and disturbed singer.

"Ummm... OK... yeah, I forgive you... Ummm..." Lance stuttered. He walked over and grabbed the giant sword, dislodging it from the ground with much difficulty. He decided that he better give it back to the real Sephiroth... 

Little did he know, he owed his life to the insanely stupid Cloud Strife. 

~~~~~~

Back at the reception place....

There was utter chaos. Cloud and Alice were thrown safely away by the blast, but the northern section caved in, trapping Aerith, Riku and Donald.

"MOMMY! I'M SCARED!" Riku cried, wrapping his arms around his mother and crying. Aerith did her best to calm him down, while Donald started screaming obscenities in his odd Duck Language.

Sephiroth and Hercules were trying to life the wreckage, but the fire surrounding it was too great.

"DAMMIT, WE NEED A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Ansem yelled, frantically waving his arms around. Yuffie shook her head sadly.

"Yeah, there's one... IN THE FREAKING NORTH SECTION!" She screeched, pointing to the rubble that trapped the three unfortunate people (and animal).

"I only know Fire Magic... uh, Sora! Can you extinguish the fire with Blizzaga?" Leon quickly asked.

Sora shook his head. 

"I need a weapon... uh, anything will do, y'know, like a wooden sword..." He explained. Leon smacked his face. They were doomed.

"GAAAAAH! AERITH!!" Cloud yelled, bursting through the flame. "SORA! TAKE THIS!" Cloud grabbed his beloved Ultima Weapon and threw it over to Sora.

Sora caught his old Keyblade with much glee and quickly pointed it to the fire.

"DEEP FREEZE!" He yelled. The great burst of ice came forth and encased itself over the fire, where it melted and then extinguished the fire. Sephiroth, Cloud and Hercules used their strength to remove the rocks, and soon, there was a path open.

"Riku, come first!" Sephiroth instructed. Aerith handed him Riku and Sephiroth hoisted Riku out of the rubble. Hercules snatched Donald, and Cloud got Aerith out safely. All three men looked at each other proudly and nodded.

Then Cloud remembered why he was here in the first place.

"YAY! ME AND ALICE'S PLAN WORKED AND I SAVED AERITH!" He cheered.

"PLAN??" Donald shrieked, grabbing his Save the Queen and hitting Cloud upside the head with it. "YOU PLANNED THIS?? WE ALMOST GOT KILLED, YOU MORON!!!"

"Alice...?" Jasmine called, scowling at the soot-covered princess who awkwardly stepped out from her hiding place. "Did you plan this?"

"YES! YES, I DID! AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TRAPPED IN WITH AERITH, BUT THAT FREAK-" Alice pointed to Cloud with an 'inappropriate finger' "RUINED IT!"

Aerith glared at Cloud, who was still holding her.

"Why, Cloud? Why, every wedding you go to, you ruin? WHY??"

She got to her feet and slapped him with great force, sending him reeling over and onto a pile of rocks.

"Dammit, Cloud, this is why I chose Sephy over you! Not only are we voiced by popular singers, but Sephiroth doesn't hold childish grudges! Can you just accept the fact that we are MARRIED??"

Cloud glanced to his former love, then to the silver haired demon who took her away. Then he stared at the Riku, their child... yes, the child, the THING that bonded them... Cloud smirked evilly and got to his feet, dusting his cape off.

"Oh, so that's how it is?? I save you, and THIS is how you repay me?? You go off with THAT THING?? FINE!! I SEE HOW THIS IS! AERITH, MARK MY WORDS, I WILL GET MY REVENGE! AND THAT BASTARD CHILD OF YOURS WILL BE THE ONE TO SUFFER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

During Cloud's ranting, he sucked in some soot and started coughing violently, but still, he tried to continue.

"I *cough* WILL H-HAVE A PLAN *cough cough* SO EEEVII*cough*IILLL, THAT IT WILL*cough* BE REAL EVIL! MWAHAHAH*cough*HAHAHAHAHA*cough cough*"

And with that, Cloud ran away, crying. Alice got up and stuck her tongue out, then followed him.

"Oh, Leon! This was the best party ever!" Yuffie squealed. Leon just looked at his wife with a look of confuzzlement.

"Oh... He better not hurt Riku! That's just going TOO FAR!" Aerith grumbled, casting her emerald eyes to the ground, thinking of ways to kill Cloud. A pair of arms wrapped around her and hugged her tightly.

"Don't worry, I won't let them."

"Thanks, Se-"

"ANSEM! STOP HUGGING MY WIFE!"

"Hey, calm down, bro, I was just trying to cheer her up..." Ansem replied, releasing her and letting his overprotective brother hug his wife.

"WAIT!" Riku cried. "ANSEM'S MY UNCLE??"

"Well, duh, Riku!" Sora retorted. "Even I see the resemblance.

Ansem just grinned. Yes, Riku had a crazy family after all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WILL NEVER BE NICE TO CLOUD! NEEEEVVVAAAARRRR!!

Anyway, I noticed that Ansem and Seph probably could be related, so I made them brothers. Hey, anything can happen. For all we know, Cloud is Sora's father.

Of course, I'm not that cruel, am I? Right, Rufus?

Rufus: Oh no, chaining me up in the basement and making me watch Pokemon with you isn't cruel at all...

YUP! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Oh, do you actually read these silly author notes? Well, I defend Lance Bass, but I'm not an N*Sync fan. I despise their music, but Lance did a very good job at Sephy's voice, so I defend him from rabid fangirls/boys. I just hope he stays FAAAAR away from Mandy Moore...


	6. AAAAAAHHHH! Runningoutoftime

****

CHAPTER SIX: Hercules' bar

Yep, Herc has a bar, and why he was so late to Yuffie and Leon's party is explained, as well as who caught Yuffie's bouquet, plus some other stuff. And no, Cloud will NOT be anyone's father. I, in truth, was considering it (I'm not very fond of Sora, now that you mention it), but I against it.

Sora's parents will be revealed in this chapter, so don't worry.

And Justin... I know you like my Sephy B and Rufus Z stories, and that Yu-Gi-Oh one, but I'm getting this one out of the way first. And yes, everyone on fanfiction.net is gonna read this :) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SOUL BUTTERKNIFE!

****

DISCLAIMER: I'm getting tired of writing these, so check the last chapter for your stupid disclaimer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From where we last left off, Alice and Cloud have succeeded in destroying the unnamed restaurant that Leon and Yuffie's party was in, and the heroes who saved the day were Sephiroth, Cloud (after he blew it up) and Hercules, who arrived late.

"So, Herc, why were you late? And can you put me down?" Donald asked, waiting for the demi-god to release his grip on him.

"Eh, being the nice guy I am, I helped clean the church after it got flooded with human tears." Hercules explained cheerfully. A little too cheerfully for someone who was 15 minutes late.

"Guys, the party only lasted 15 minutes!" Snow White whined. "Where are we going to hold it now?"

"TO THE BAR!' Hercules roared, pointing to the Coliseum bar that had recently been added.

"YAY!" Everyone cheered. The party was back in full swing, and Yuffie and Leon can now get their presents!

But first, I have to put Sora and Riku in this chapter, as the story is about them and their... "relationship." *shudders*

~~~~~

Sora sat down next to Riku on the bar table, watching Riku sniff his drink suspiciously before drinking it. Riku was satisfied, and downed his Vanilla Coke with much relish.

"Riku, are you OK? I was worried when you and your mom got stuck in the rubble..." Sora started, swirling his chocolate milk before drinking it.

"Yeah, my mom protected me... um, Sora? Do.. do you think Cloud will really come after me?" Riku stammered, a little paranoid. It probably would be no threat if it was just Cloud (his idea of evil was stealing hair gel, which Riku didn't use anyway), but Alice seemed pretty ticked off...

"Don't worry Riku!" Sora reassured him, jumping up on his stool. He swung his newly returned Ultima Weapon around and put on a dramatic pose. "I'll protect yo-AAAAHHHHH!!!!"

The bar stool slipped under Sora and he came crashing down on Riku, making them both land in a VERY AWKWARD POSITION. Had it not been for Sephiroth and Ansem arguing over what is better: Skateboarding (Seph) or Snowboarding (Ansem), it would have been a very odd sight indeed.

Both boys stared at each other for a few seconds, apparently confused, then Riku's face blushed a deep crimson red and he pushed Sora off and set back on his bar stool, trying to cover the red on his face.

"Oops! Sorry about that!" Sora smiled sheepishly, and he went back to drinking his chocolate milk and wondering why Riku had his face buried in his arms. Was Riku sad?

"SNOWBOARDING IS MUCH BETTER! WHEN YOU FALL, IT'S SOFT, AND YOU CAN WATCH DUMBASSES GET HIT BY TREES!"

"NO, SKATEBOARDING! IT'S WAY BETTER TO WATCH DUMBASSES FALL HEADFIRST ON THE PAVEMENT! YA CAN'T PULL OFF A 900 ON A SNOWBOARD!"

"OH YES YOU CAN, SEPH, I'VE DONE IT BEFORE!"

Ignoring the sudden fight and had broken out between the two siblings, Sora inched forward to Riku, poking him on the back of the head to see if he was alive or not. Just then...

SMACK!

"AUGH!! HEARTLESS!" Sora screamed, grabbing the thing that had smacked him on the back of the head. He looked confused at it. It was a bouquet, with red and white thorn less roses. A flower Heartless? Wow, they get gayer by the minute!

"Awww..." Hercules laughed. "Sora caught the bouquet."

"I think he's a little too young to get married." Sephiroth commented, hanging from Herucles' left arm.

"What are you talking about, Yuffie and Leon got married, they're about 2-3 years older than him! Dumbass!" Ansem retorted, hanging from Herc's right arm.

"OH YEAH?? PUNK! HERC, LEMME DOWN, I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"

"YEAH, LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN, SEPH! HERC, LET US DOWN!"

"Sure thing, I have customers to serve." Hercules dropped both of them on the ground and let them kill each other while he served the other customers, who wondered why there were so many people in dresses and tuxedos in a bar.

"Everyday gets weirder and weirder..." Riku groaned. The author seemed to hate them all.

"FREE BEER!!" Yuffie drunkenly yelled, stumbling all over the place and tripping over her dress. "EVEN FOR THE UUUNDERAAAAGE!"

Riku looked at Sora and grinned. His day had finally come.

~~~~~

When Riku woke up the next morning, there was only one word that could describe the intense pain in his head.

Ow.

Indeed, alcohol, loud music and bright lights, while an enjoyable combination, do not mix. Riku learned this the hard way. Cursing, he sat up and blinked, finding out that he was in his room, painted dark blue, had clothes, food and Yu-Gi-Oh cards strewn all over the place, and his beloved blue Noil, resting in the hands of...

...Sora?

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Riku screamed. Sora bolted upright, looking dazed and alarmed. A loud thump could be heard under the bed and a series of cursing followed.

"SORA?? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?? ... And who the hell is under it?"

"What? I'm under who's bed?" came a muffled reply.

"Quiet, you, I'm talking to Sora!" Riku snapped, not really caring who was under his bed, but more concerned why him and Sora were in a bed together... topless.

"Riku! Oogie-Boogie's back!!" Sora squealed, and grabbed on his friend's arm in fear. Riku rolled his eyes.

"I am NOT that bag of bugs!" the voice angrily replied, and another bang was heard. "I should banish you all to the darkness! Mwahahahahahahahaha!"

"Oh, it's just Ansem..." Sora let go of Riku's arm and sighed in relief. 

"What? How did you know it was me? Dammit!"

"Ansem, shut up or I'll be coming down there with a flashlight!" Riku threatened. Nothing was heard from under the bed for awhile. This pleased Riku. Now, on to bigger things...

"Sora, why are you sleeping with me, on my bed?"

"Oh..." Sora yawned. "You were all drunk and started hitting on my mom... she came to pick me up, they couldn't go to the wedding... and then you all just kinda passed out... n' your mom just invited everyone to come here. I remember your dad kicking Ansem under our bed... I was really tired, so my mommy just let me sleep here..."

"AH HA! SO THAT PIG DID IT!"

Riku's face paled, if it could get any paler. 

The door cracked open, and a woman with chocolate brown hair and garnet eyes cheerfully poked her head in. Sora's face lit up with glee and he ran over to her and hugged, more of tackled, her midsection. 

"MOMMY!" Sora squealed. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I left y'all hanging here. So, who is Sora's mother? And yes, the father is there too! FF7 players would probably figure this one out quick...


	7. Random violence is always welcome

****

CHAPTER SEVEN: YES!! TIFA AND RENO!!!

Whooo!!!! You people pay attention to what I write! Yes, I decided to make Sora's parents Tifa and Reno. 

And why does no one like Ansem? He's NOT a rapist, I already started a campaign for Rufus about this! At least Snowri just made him extremely cruel to fit the Scrooge character!! Y'all should treat Ansem better, it's not HIS fault he's a Sephiroth rip-off!

You want a disclaimer, go look in the other chapters, evil lawyers. It's right there. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tifa?" Ansem stuck his head out from under the bed, and immediatly did what every male has done upon meeting Tifa: stare at her chest.

Tifa ignored the impudent male and went back to cuddling Sora. A man with spiky, messy red hair and a blue suit quietly checked in and tried to escape with making a sound.

"Reno, you have some explaining to do." Tifa sounded stern. Reno sheepishly grinned and was quickly searching for excuses.

"You KNOW I was working overtime at the hospital, and YOU had the day off... Don't lie, Rufus called me and said so. Why did you leave Sora alone?"

"I... um... well...see..."

Ansem snickered. Riku shot a glare at him and Ansem returned it. Family or not, they still hated each other since that little incident at Hollow Basiton. 

"Daddy, are we gonna get in trouble...?" Sora asked, added the huge Bambi eyes for effect. Reno chuckled again.

"No, Sora, no one is getting in trouble... well, except maybe Seph for kicking three people under various beds..." he answered. Ansem smiled with glee and Riku sighed, and got up from the bed, purposely kicking his uncle in the head. Another series of curses were heard.

"OK, time to go to breakfast, everyone!" Tifa clapped her hands together. Reno, Sora and Riku rushed down the stairs, but Ansem refused to leave.

"Hey, Ansem, are you gonna eat? It's not that bright, Aerith has the shades closed..."

"It's not that!" Ansem whined. "No one likes me! Not even my own brother! Not even my mommy, no one paid attention to me, they always liked Sephiroth better! They worshipped him, gave him a part in Kingdom Hearts, which was supposed to be MY GAME, NOT HIS, and I was beaten by a twelve year old kid with a giant house key, a duck that needs anger management and a freaking retarted DOG, Tifa! I'M JUST GONNA STAY HERE AND WASTE AWAY MY MISERABLE LIFE!!!"

Tifa was going to protest, but unfortunatly, what Ansem said was true. 

"Not to mention I'm often depicted as a rapist! AND a child molester... or sometimes just a really mean person who likes to throw employees against the wall before firing them..."

Again, Tifa was at a loss for words. 

"EXACTLY TIFA!! No one cares about the dysfunctional younger kids! Not to mention Sephiroth left my contacts on and I think they have permanatly fused with my eyes. Ow, the pain, the pain...."

And so, our poster "adult" of misery slid out from under the bed, blinked, and stumbled down the stairs. Tifa just shook her head and made a mental note to hit Sephiroth for being so mean to his little brother.

~~~~

"HEY, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!!"

"Good morning to you too." Leon greeted Sephiroth, who was confused on why there were so many guests in the living room.

"Aerith invited us here to stay for awhile. Tough luck." Ansem snorted, flipping pancakes. One of the benefits of living alone was that he could cook, and not kill everyone with the end product.

"See, Seph, you never treat ME to breakfast." Aerith teased, but she knew what the consequences were. Last time Sephiroth cooked, the oven exploded and the microwave hit Cloud on the head, turning him from an aspiring assassin to a man with the intelligence of a 2 year old.

Speaking of Cloud...

"HI!!! I'M SORRY I BLEW UP THE RESTERAUNT! I JUST WANNA GIVE YUFFIE AND LEON MY PRESENT!" Cloud kicked open the door and threw the present at high speed to Yuffie. It smacked her square on the face. Blinking, she opened it up and saw it was...

...A .357 Magnum.

"WHEEEEE! A GUN!!" Yuffie cried, hopping up and down. She petted it, filled with much glee.

Cloud happily left to report this to Alice.

~~~~

So where was Alice? Enjoying her life in an outdoor cafe, glad that her problems would soon be over... Or would they?

"So, Cloud, did you use the gun?" Alice asked, sipping her milkshake. Since her plans were always ruined by Cloud, she abandoned logic and tactics and went for senseless, random violence, which works 75.6% of the time.

"Yep. Gave it to Yuffie, then I left, like you said!" Cloud smiled.

Alice nearly fell out of her chair. Actually, she did, and hit the floor. But none of that mattered. All that mattered now was getting within choking distance of the spiky-haired imbecile known as Cloud.

"I TOLD you to SHOOT them, NOT GIVE THEM THE GUN!!!!"

Alice feebily tried to get her hands around Cloud's neck, but he was too tall and just watched Alice pitfully try to jump up and grab his next. Most people thought of this as a cute act of a child trying to hug him, and so no one noticed. Cloud scratched his head in confusion.

"GARRGGGHHH! Why am I so short?? WHYYYY??" Alice cried in aunguish, then fell into dispair, sobbing and weeping. Cloud stole her milkshake and drank it himself, too stupid to know why Alice was crying, and much too stupid to care.

"I must devise a better plan, one that must work, plus get through Cloud's pea-sized brain!" Alice mused. She turned around to see Cloud finishing off her milkshake. She whacked him lightly on the head... and soon paid dearly for it.

"AUGH!!! MY HAND!!! THOSE SPIKES ARE LIKE STEEL!" Alice cried, stealing Cloud's Restore Materia and healed her hand. She threw it at his head in rage, but it got embedded in one of the spikes, Mako oozing out of the broken sphere. It tried to absorb into his skin and infect his brain, but Cloud had a shield of stupidity as well, MUCH stronger than Sora's. The Mako cried. 

"KKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!" Alice screamed, all sanity lost. She grabbed a random AK-47 and unloaded it onto the helpless customers, enjoying the screaming and bloodshed. 

Cloud grabbed the milkshake off the dead customer next to him and savored the chocolate goodness, ignoring the blood splashed all over the glass.

~~~~

Yuffie was still dancing around with her new .357 Magnum. Leon had asked her plently of times to stop, as she could "shoot her eye out." 

"Leon, the dang thing ain't even loa-"

BANG!

"AUGH!!!! MY LEG!!! GODDAMMIT!!" 

Ansem fell to the ground, screaming and ranting and cursing worse than before. 

"MOTHER****! SON OF A B**** IT HURTS! DAMN YOU, YUFFIE, WATCH WHERE YOU F****** POINT THAT PIECE OF F****** S***!! WHY THE HELL ARE HALF MY F****** WORDS CENSORED??"

"Ansem! You're getting blood all over the floor, stop bleeding!" Sephiroth commanded.

Everyone stared at Sephiroth, inclusing Ansem, who had ceased all screaming.

"Sheesh, and they thought I was Heartless." Ansem grumbled, then shot a dirty look at the author. The author just smiled back.

  
"Yuffie, give me the gun." Aerith sweetly asked. Yuffie handed it to jer, Aerith cocked it, then shot Sephiroth in the leg as well.

"GAH!!!" 

Tifa and Reno just sat back and watched these antics.

"I'm glad I'm not part of THAT family." Reno commented. Tifa smacked him upside the head, and went to help Aerith.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To tell you the truth, the gun part just came at random. There comes a time in each story where random violence is needed. Just ask the Looney Toons. 


	8. 106 reviews! Let's have a partay!

****

CHAPTER EIGHT: I got skeelz! And fans!

106 REVIEWS! YAY!!! *throws party*

Since I have this many, thank you's are in order. I did not copy and paste these names, no, I TYPED THEM OUT! I'M NOT BEING LAZY FOR ONCE, YAY!!

Thanks to:

Michiko Tsukihiro 

Artymas

Kaya

Porcelain Berry

Joce

Auron no Aijou

Rilox

Molly-chan the Anime/Game fan 

Tripmon

Linael

kairi

mizustarangel

Cassiel Darkfan

Anonymous reviewer #1 (hehehehe...)

bob

Hibashira no Tenshi

sailorrose(?)

Princess Urd

Riku-lover Melissa

SarahStarFlower

Sniper Paul

UkeOmi

pureVENOM

One Winged Kuja

Penguin

Guardian Storm Demon

YugiKitty and MalikKitsune

Aras Melanki

Mystik Amethyst

Anonymous Reviewer #2

Harle

Holly Short

Over the Edge

Anonymous Reviewer #3

Maho Kiwi

The Infernal Jynk

Moo

Blood

pretearwink

Asaka Kiseragi

Miaka Killer

Jade Sedai

DD

Nayru Toast

LoverOfSilverHairedBishies

Mako

Keiko

-Archer--

Phoenix Flower

Squall's girl

Sliverwings

Snowri Leonhart

Chibi Riku

Claire Kairi

Anonymous Reviewer #4

Rem-chan

Malathyne

CybelWitch

Patches

Crisis Haylo

Anonymous Reviewer #5

Phoenix Pinion

Kerro Starbane

Nasnus

Arashi Strife

cko

Mbullfighter

Nezumi

And how can I forget Justin? The guy who gets to read the chapters before y'all do. Oh, he isn't 21 years old... Or a stud for that matter… Hahahahaha!

DAMN! That was a lot... Oh, and yes, I'll be a tad bit nicer to Cloud. A TAD BIT, MIND YOU! I STILL HATE THE GUY!

Disclaimer? Chapter two, please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alice sat in her bedroom, pondering over what kind of stunt she could pull to get revenge. Why was Alice so hell bent on revenge? The world may never know.

Cloud, however, was playing with her Barbies.

"Oh Ken, I love you, will you marry me?" "Oh, I would, Barbie... But I love Teresa, not you!" "WHAT? BASTARD!" "Ahhh! Barbie! Calm down and put the car dow-AAAAAAHHHHH!! I'M STUCK UNDER THE CAR AND BURNING!"

Alice turned away, deeply disturbed. Cloud may be stupid, but he had enough evil potential to overthrow even Sephiroth... which he did. Once.

~~~~

While Aerith was tending to Sephiroth's leg ("Why can't you use Great Gospel on me too?"), Ansem was playing with his new glowstick, which was graciously given to him by a friendly reviewer.

"Hehehehehe, I can make the Keyblade go purple!"

Um, yes. Anyway, now that there is a break in the plot, do you know what this means?? THAT'S RIGHT, READERS, IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER...

Readers: SORAxRIKU IMPLICATION!

Right!

~~~~

"Blargh. My shirt still has beer stains all over it..." Riku surveyed his shirt, wishing he had some Febreeze or something to cover up the smell. Sora just laughed.

"It was so funny, watching you go drunk! Tee hee, you gave me a kiss!"

"WWWHHAAAATTT???"

Riku fell off from the couch, banging his head on the floor. He looked on Sora, bewildered. Sora just flashed off his cheesy smile.

"Well, you said you loved me..." Sora scratched his head.

"I did not!"

"Yes you did! But you were drunk, and you just asked for a kiss, then you just pecked me on the cheek... then you started doing the Chicken Dance with Aurora, THAT was just disturbing..." Sora explained.

Riku felt very sick in his stomach. Dammit! Why did he have to consume large amounts of alcohol??

"Actually, everyone spilled secrets that night... Sephiroth still watches the Teletubbies, Aerith likes to go on midnight killing sprees, Ansem's still a virgin, Leon likes pink fuzzy bunnies, Yuffie does speed, and Donald and Goofy have done each other... once..."

Riku blinked. Hmm... he decided to store this info in the back of his head for blackmail purposes later. 

"But... I said... I love you?"

"Yeah, but you were drunk!" 

Riku pondered over this... DID He love Sora? Was his confession a result of being drunk... or was there more?

"Sora...I..." He started, but was quickly cut off by a high pitched squeal. It seemed Sephiroth tried to stand up before his wound healed.

"What Riku?"

"...Nothing."

Sephiroth sat back down, after getting pelted with rotten tomatoes by rabid SoraXRiku fans who expected to see a real, non-alcohol induced confession. He glared at them, and they glared back.

Sephiroth no liek readers!

"GRAMMAR!" Leon yelled, and he found it fit to smack the author for her insolent misuse of the English Language.

~~~~

"Alice... when are we gonna follow with the plaaaaan?" Cloud whined, sick of standing guard at Sephiroth and Aerith's front door. Alice shushed him and grinned.

"Look, dumbass-"

Hey, how did Alice know what I named Cloud?

"... I have here something that will scare the crap out of everyone... while everyone is distracted, I want you to grab Riku, and drop the ransom note." She instructed, pointing to a writhing plastic bag.

"Why not Sora? He's the Keyblade Master..." 

"Because, Riku is a Cetra, and we'll need him!"

"Ce...tra? Why does that sound familiar?"

"SHUT UP, CLOUD, AND JUST GRAB RIKU WHEN I RELEASE THIS THING!"

Alice immediately calmed her down. Now was not the time to strangle her partner in crime. She had work to do. Laughing, she dumped the contents of the bag through the window, pleased with the horror that she unleashed.

"YOU GOT MAIL! YOU GOT MAIL! YOU GOT MAIL!..."  


"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Cloud jumped through the window and quickly ran through the room. He stopped. There were TWO small boys... but... which one was Riku again?? He desperately searched his mind for a mental picture, but since he only has room for three pieces of information in his tiny brain, he couldn't tell which one was the Cetra child!

"CLOUD! HURRY UP, THE DAMN AOL THING WON'T LAST FOREVER!"

Cloud decided to take both of the children. He grabbed them with ease and threw the random note at what he thought was Sephiroth, then leapt out the window. Without taking a second glance at whom Cloud grabbed, Alice made a run for it, Cloud following.

"YOU GOT MAIL! YOU GOT...gOOOdD ByEEE...ee.."

Yuffie was the first to peek up through the couch. She stared at the plastic bag in fear. AOL was a power not to be misused... as it is daily.

"YUFFIE! GET BACK!" Leon yelled, grabbing his wife and holding her protectively. Yuffie giggled. Leon could be so sweet at times! 

"Is everyone all right?" Reno called. Everyone grunted, but Tifa noticed that the couch was empty. No silver-haired smartass or brown-haired dolt...

"Where's Sora and Riku??" She cried, looking under the pillows. Frantically, she checked the various rooms in the bottom floor, with the help of a just-as-hysterical Aerith. It was all in vain, though, as the boys were nowhere to be found...

~~~~

"Cloud, did you get the right one?"

"Ummm... I got both of them..."

Alice blinked.

"You mean you got the both of them so that both sets of parents would be thrown into hysterics and also to ensure that the Keyblade Master cannot go out and reclaim his friend, since it has been proven in video games that parents are the worst characters in any RPG due to their so called moral values?"

"...Yeah, what you said." Cloud nodded. 

"GENIUS!!" Alice threw her arms up in the air, then gave Cloud a hug. "Obviously, you were just playing stupid! You must have had this planned all along! Cloud, you're the greatest! Here, have a cookie!" She graciously rewarded Cloud with a very yummy cookie.

"Yay!" went Cloud. The author twitched with the extreme desire to drop an anvil on Cloud, but refrained, remembering her New Year's Resolution (even though it wasn't New Years yet): Be nice to Cloud.

"Um, Ms. Alice, ma'am, these ropes are tight..." Sora whined.

"QUIET YOU!"

Allow me to describe where they are. Alice and Cloud found out that the abandoned shack in the Destiny Islands, while annoying close to the theme park, made a good hiding place, since no one dared enter (the last person who did "mysteriously" got sliced in half by bullets) and the theme park music drowned out all sounds.

Sora and Riku were tied up, sitting next to the Save Point. Riku scowled and glared at the Save Point, which just flashed and looked shiny. It was mocking him, he knew it. 

"STOP MOCKING ME!!" Riku screamed and lunged for the Save Point. He fell down, and Sora landed on top of him. Before anyone gets any mental images (however sweet they may be... hehehehehe...), Sora and Riku are back to back. As a result, Sora gets to stare at the ceiling and Riku gets crushed. 

For some reason unknown, the shack shuddered and a piece of wood fell from the roof, smacking poor Cloud on the head. 

Or it was supposed be to like that. The wood ended up being imbedded in yet another one of Cloud's spikes. Now he would be walking around with green hair at the back, a dried up Restore Materia and a wooden plank. This did not bother Cloud at all, for he was much too stu... I mean, IGNORANT to care...

Alice chuckled at the author's pathetic attempt not to bash Cloud.

~~~~

Back at Aerith and Sephiroth's, Alice's prediction had come true: Both set of parents were thrown into hysterics. Only Ansem, Leon and Yuffie were the only sane ones, with the females crying and the males still searching the place.

Yuffie stared at Ansem, or more at his face, for a long time. Finally, she climbed on the coffee table and plucked the paper airplane from his hair and rested her elbow on his head, reading the note out loud.

__

Dear Aerith and Sephiroth:

We (I mean, Cloud and Alice), have your son, Riku. All you must do to get him back is simple: Give me your Black and White Materia (Super Nova would be a plus) and Cloud wants Aerith to marry him. It's that simple. Do it, or Riku will be handed to Hojo; he's looking for new Cetra specimens and he'll pay a good price for Riku...

Alice and ..ugh, fine, you can sign it... Clod

ps aerith u have two mary me in TOO dais ok?

Yuffie rose an eyebrow. She was quite disturbed.

"Hey! Do you know what this means??" Ansem said. He started pacing around, making Yuffie lose her balance and fall. Leon caught her and gave her a sweet grin.

"We could save Riku and Sora! Imagine, we'd be heroes, PLUS I might get more respect! Wow!" Ansem's eyes sparkled with hope and all that sappy Disney stuff. He quickly shook his head, alarmed by how Out of Character the author writes him and even more disturbed by the fact that since this was a humor fic, it was allowed.

"Count me in!" Yuffie squeaked. Leon solemnly nodded. He thought it was stupid, but there was no way Yuffie and Ansem could survive each other for more than twenty minutes... 

"Alright! Let's-"

"You're new at being a good guy, right?" Leon asked. Ansem frowned.

"Hell no, I'm not being a good guy! I'm saving Riku and Sora for my own personal gain, not out of the goodness of my heart!" Ansem laughed. Then he stopped and frowned. "I don't even have a heart..."

"Who cares! Leon, let's save Sora and Riku Ansem's way, it looks like more fun!" Yuffie decided, then she took out her beloved Conformer. Oh, how she was going to have fun...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so, the heroes in this fic will be Ansem, Leon and Yuffie! Yay!

Hitting 106 reviews has been my biggest achievement yet (in my whole entire sad life). Is it just because more people come to the KH section or is it because there's not that many stories being posted, letting a story stay on the first page? I dunno, but this without a doubt is my most popular fic yet...

That said, this baby will get finished hopefully soon. And if anyone wants one, I may make a sequel... if they want, anyway. Thanks guys and gals, I really appreciate all the feedback! YAY!


	9. Go away, Stomach flu, I'm trying to writ...

****

CHAPTER NINE: Ansem FINALLY gets some fanart!

Oh yeah! The great Patches has answered to my plea and made some Ansem fan art! Check it out, NOW!!! And be sure to compliment her(?)for her "mad MS Paint" SKEELZ!

http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~rzepczrs/sd-an.jpg

http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~rzepczrs/sd-an2.jpg

BOW DOWN TO IT'S CUTENESS! And thank Patches for making it! Thank you very much! 

As for something to do when you're bored: Watching Aerith's death while Eminem's "Kill You" is playing is hilarious. Try it :)

Disclaimer? Yep, go to chapter two, it's written in bold and italics!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm hungry!" Sora whined for the twenty-sixth and a half time. Riku nodded. "We want food!"

Alice rubbed her temples and glared at the hostages with immense hate. The hate practically radiated off of her in waves and smacked Riku and Sora right in the face. Riku just stared at her with as much hate as a Jenova/Cetra child could muster, and Sora was just confused.

Cloud was munching away at his cookie, glad that the author was being nice to him... or was she?

"AAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!" He screamed. "THE MAKO!! THE MAKO!!!" Cloud reverted back to his normal stupid FF7 self, rolling on the ground in immense, Mako-induced PAIN!

Alice rose an eyebrow, but decided not to ask. All that mattered was getting her hostages to shut up.

"FOOD!" They chanted together. "FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!" Alice roared.

The combination of Cloud squealing in pain, Riku and Sora screaming "FOOD!" just as loud, and Alice yelling "SHUT THE F*** UP!" would prove quite useful to our adventurers...

~~~~

"Hey, do you hear something?" Yuffie looked to the east, very confused. They had just stepped out of Aerith and Sephiroth's house and already they could hear the constant screaming and wailing.

"Sounds like hell has broken loose..." Leon muttered. He quickly searched the sky for the fire and brimstone. To his relief, there was none.

"Oh, no, Seph and everyone else will be doing that the next millennium, they couldn't do it last year, Kefka was drunk... " Ansem explained, earning scared glances from his comrades. "I mean, I honestly have no clue..." He corrected himself, whistling and trying to act as innocent as a 25 year old (hot) villain can. 

"Whatever." 

"Ha! Squall's typical response!" Yuffie laughed, hitting him on the back. Leon rolled his eyes and mumbled "It's Leon..."

The trio of all that is dysfunctional and immoral trudged east, glad that they had the constant screams and shouts to guide then. However, the next set of events would seriously make them question what the hell was wrong with the Destiny Islands Government.

"ANSEM! LEON! YUFFIE! HEY!!"

The sound of Cid's hoarse voice (no doubt caused by the countless night he'd been screaming profanities at random people) made them all snap their heads automatically to the left. 

Yep, there was Cid, waving stupidly and glad that he beat the system for the umpteenth time. All thee automatically rolled their eyes and wondered how the hell Cid did it.

"Damn you Cid! You always get lucky, I have to feign death or injury..." Ansem complained.

"Practically every villain has. Can't they get original?" Yuffie remarked.

"Nope! Have to uphold the typical 'silver-haired evil stereotype'."

"Well, good ta &^%(( see you! Be about a month 'fore I can go back to Traverse Town, mwahahahahahahaha!" Cid laughed. Ansem suddenly had "Criminal" playing in his head, and he couldn't shake it off.

"AAAAHHHH!! THE MUSIC!!!" Ansem blinked. Them too?

"Leon, the damn music!" Yuffie whined, covering her ears.

Leon suddenly had a wonderful idea to keep Yuffie occupied and started making out with her. 

"Ummm... anyway, Cid, have you seen Sora and Riku?" Ansem asked, ignoring the two newlyweds.

"Yeah." Cid lit up a cigarette, ignoring the author's cry of protest and her speech about how bad drugs were and how this was a Disney game so he shouldn't be smoking anyway, and other moral stuff that Cid could care less about.

"Cloud was carrying them, they were whining and complaining. Cloud said that they were the key to make Aerith marry him. Two days, then he's gonna ship Riku off to Hojo, I have NO damn clue what he wants with Sora. His little sister, bitch in the dress, said that they would cut his throat and dump him in some shady alley."

Ansem took a moment to absorb this in. 

"Shit." Was all he could say. Yay for lack of censorship!

"Errr... the little girl he was with is his sister, right?" Cid asked, with shifty eyes. The author did not want to know what Cid was thinking and decided not to elaborate.

"No. And Cid, you need help." Ansem poked Leon on the back of the head. "Damn, you two have to breathe sometime."

Leon and Yuffie parted and glared at him for breaking up their "moment".

"Hmph!" Yuffie haughtily replied, and shouldered her Conformer, walking with her nose in the air. Leon chuckled and followed after his young wife, while Ansem wondered what the hell is wrong with the Destiny Island Government. Ah-ha! My prediction was right!... Almost.

~~~~

"DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN, THE MUFFIN-"

"CLOUD!" Three teenaged angst filled the room, begging the stupid spiky haired imbecile to shut up.

"But I wanna sing..."

Before Cloud could let another stupidity infested sentence out of his mouth, Alice grabbed the Ultima Keyblade and smacked Cloud upside the head.

To everyone's relief, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fainted in a crumpled heap. Now the author cannot bash Cloud, for Cloud is currently not giving her any reasons too. Good riddance.

Alice kicked the (unfortunately) still living body to the side and turned to the two other boys, now scared beyond their minds.

"DOES ANYONE ELSE WANNA SAY SOMETHING???" Alice roared once more, raising the Ultima Weapon and ready to slice Sora in half.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Sora screamed.

"Oh, don't worry..." Riku reassured him. "Either you die a horrible death and my back gets stained with blood, or the blade will fall and cut the ropes, given the nature of the story."

THUD!

"Open the door, Pizza's coming!"

Alice stopped in mid-swing.

"Excellent! The pizza is here!" She threw the Ultima Weapon on the table and looted Cloud's wallet, the answered the door.

"...Hades??"

"Shut up!" The not-so-great Lord of the Underworld groaned, thrusting the pizza to Alice's face. "Just pay so I can get the hell out of here."

Glee lit up her face as she scanned the Pizza Hut uniform, and then she laughed. Oh how she laughed! She had to drop the pizza for she was laughing so hard. She was in danger of rolling on the ground with laughter.

"I said just SHUT UP!" Hades yelled, face glowing a dangerous shade of red. The flame on his head incinerated the helpless Pizza Hut cap on his head. He angrily snatched the 20 dollar bill from Alice's trembling hand and he drove off, sand spraying everywhere.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Oh...HAHAHAhahaha... It's so...funny... Hahahaha... they all....ha ha...suck!" Alice chortled, taking the pizza and throwing two slices at Sora and Riku. They eagerly devoured the pizza, despite the fact that it landed in a mound of dirt. Yay for bad hygiene!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a bad case of writer's block. X( I also have the stomach flu... DOES THAT STOP ME FROMM WRITING? NOPE! :) It sure hinders it though... Sorry is this chapter wasn't funny...


	10. We are done with part one Hey, that rhym...

****

CHAPTER TEN: BEWARE HENRY THE CAT!!!

Everyone seems to love the way I write Ansem. I'm happy with this, yes, but I'm also curious on why. Is he really that funny? I tried to make him a klutz but now he seems more like a wannabe bad-ass. Oh well. I'm also glad that, while people don't like me hurting Cloud, they don't mind that I made him hopelessly stupid.

Disclaimer? *throws you to chapter two* There it is!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, this was it. With one day left, our heroes must save Sora and Riku today, or the whole thing will be a failure and the bad guys will win. Will they, or do our heroes have something up their sleeves? 

"Oh shut up and get on with the story already..." 

"Ansem! Do you have to be so mean?" Yuffie scolded, hitting him lightly with the Conformer.

"Ow! And yes, I have to, I'm evil, you know!" Ansem rubbed his head. Oh, the pain...

Leon opened his mouth, but Ansem cut him off.

"Shut up, I don't want to hear your stupid philosophies about the ignorance of humanity!" He growled, then walked off in some random direction that he knew was the right way.

"Awwww... Leon, don't be sad..." Yuffie hugged her husband, stroking his hair. Leon was enjoying this very much, and the two followed their once great and powerful ruler. Keyword is "once".

After fifteen minutes of walking, floating, cursing, random song singing and murder (the poor porcupine didn't see it coming...), the trio stopped in front of the old Seaside shack, where a legendary battle of mass proportion would occur, and be written in the history books to be re-told and horribly mutilated by old geezers for years to come.

Leon strode in front of the door and, with a powerful roundhouse kick, knocked it down with a smash. The door toppled and landed on Cloud, who was recovering from his recent Mako-poisoning. The author laughed with glee. Much glee.

"I'm OK..." Cloud moaned. Leon stepped onto the door, crushing poor Cloud slowly and ignoring his shrill cries for help. He spotted Sora and Riku, tied up in the corner of the room.

"H-hey!" Alice squeaked, cowering under the teen's glare. "Y-you're not s-s-supposed to d-do that..."

Ansem strode toward Sora and Riku, saying nothing as he untied the ropes. "Leave her alone, I don't think she's gonna put up much of a fight..." He warned.

Helping the two boys up, they waited patiently, looking at a confused Alice, seeming to expect something.

"Wha-what?? D-do you want to hear m-me say sorry??" Alice stammered, bracing herself for possible attack.

"Dude... you have to send your monster thingy at us now..." Ansem explained. He frowned at Alice's confused glance. "You're a newbie villain, aren't you? So... you don't have an evil monster/machine thing to kill us?"

Alice shook her head.

"Uh.. I wasn't expecting this, so I never got one..." She scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Well, I have something just as good! CLOUD! COME HERE, I HAVE A COOKIE!"

With inhuman force, the door that Leon was standing on suddenly launched forward, knocking poor Leon out of the shack. Cloud jumped to Alice's side and looked around. 

"Where be the cookie??"

"If you kill them-" Alice pointed to the scared and confused group, "-I'll give you it. But don't hurt Riku!"

"I thought Riku was in FFX?" Cloud asked, confused. His small brain erased all information about this "Riku" and was now occupied in the goodness that is cookies. COOKIES BE GOODER!

"The small silver-haired one! Sephiroth's son!" Alice screeched.

"YEAH! I KILL NOW!" Cloud drew his Buster Sword, then a black demon sprouted out his back. He grinned sadistically.

Yuffie drew her shuriken, Leon limped over and drew his gunblade. Ansem stood in the back, being unarmed and a mage.

"NO ONE GETS IN THE WAY OF MY COOKIE!" Cloud yelled and lunged forward, slashing at Leon first. The SeeD commander jumped up to avoid the strike and brought the gunblade down to slice Cloud in half and rid the world of his stupidity, and the blade landed on Cloud's head with an audible SMACK!

Silence.

There was a crack, and the blade shattered, while Cloud's spiky head remained perfectly intact and perfect.

'YOU BROKE MY GUNBLADE!!" Leon screamed in rage. "SCREW BEING FAIR!" He loaded the gun and shot at Cloud's chest. The bullets were repelled from his chest and instead flew to his back, where a clank was heard. Cloud just stared at Leon, marinating in his own stupidity.

"Oh yeah, Cloud has a magnet on his back to hold his sword in place..." Yuffie sheepishly told Leon, rubbing the back of her head.

"AAAAUUGGGHHH! DAMN MAGNET!!!" Leon was filled with so much rage that is this was in FFIX, he would be in a permanent trance mode for the rest of the game. But FFIX this was not, and Leon glanced at Ansem.

"DRAW: HOLY!" Leon held his "Draw" stance, and Ansem had the sensation of something being stolen from him. Blue orbs flew from Ansem and landed on Leon. He blinked, and was lost in confusion. Leon, however, looked very pleased.

"NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT! HOLY!" Leon stuck his hand out and watched with glee as the white lights exploded against Cloud. However, when the fury ended, Cloud was still there, unhurt and still swimming in stupidity.

"Are you done yet?" He asked.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-buuuuttt...." Leon stepped back, suddenly scared. Why was Cloud invincible??

"Hahahahahaha! It takes a minimum IQ of 1 to understand the power of magic, you see, and Cloud's IQ tops at -23!" Alice cackled, proud of the Ex-SOLDIER's stupidity, even though Cloud was never in SOLDIER to begin with.

Yuffie got into the action, throwing shurikens left and right at Cloud. Unfortunately, all the shurikens met the same fate as Leon's bullets and were drawn to his back with an audible clank. She tried to throw the Conformer at Cloud's head, but it got stuck in his spike and now Yuffie was stuck without a weapon.

"Wow, Riku, we're doomed..." Sora noticed. He suddenly smiled with glee. 'I'LL SING THE DOOM SONG! Doom, doom doom..." He sang. Riku groaned and held his face in his hands, overcome with misery. He started sobbing, wondering why the hell he had such bad luck.

Cloud took the moment to attack our helpless heroes. He successfully threw Leon and Yuffie aside and was now trying to feebly reach Ansem, who was floating out of harm's reach at the top of the shack.

"Doom doom doom doom..." Sora continued to sing. Riku glared at him, and looked at something else to help him feel better. He spotted Sora's Keyblade sitting right beside him and Riku smacked his forehead. Sora's stupidity was taking it's effect.

"Sora! Use the Keyblade and Strike Raid Cloud!" Riku commanded, pushing the Keyblade into Sora's hands. Sora looked at his weapon and smiled with glee. He grabbed the Keyblade and stood up, facing Cloud.

"TAKE THIS!" Sora yelled, and hurled the weapon at Cloud. It continued spinning, and in a once-in-a-lifetime shot, bounced off Cloud's stupidity-enforced head and spun up, striking Ansem. Ansem fell to the ground in a crumpled heap. The Keyblade shot back at Sora, and caught him off guard. Sora was knocked out, the Keyblade clattered to the ground, and Riku groaned. He was doomed.

"Hey, thanks!" Cloud waved and he kicked Ansem aside. He strode over to a glee-filled Alice. "Can I have my cookie now?" 

"No." She answered bluntly.

Cloud's smile disappeared, replaced by hurt. He stared at the cookie in Alice's hand.

"But... you said... I could have a cookie..." Cloud stammered, angry that Alice was breaking their promise.

"Well, there's only one here, and I think I deserve it. Now go away!" Alice shooed him away and bit into what was supposed to be Cloud's cookie.

Something in Cloud's fragile mind snapped, and thoughts of "Alice" ,"ate" and "cookie" flooded his small brain. Cloud drew up the Buster Sword, now shaking with anger.

"NO, ALICE! YOU SAID YOU WOULD GIVE ME A COOKIE!! YOU SAID! NOW YOU ATE THE COOKIE!! I'M NOT WORKING FOR YOU ANYMORE!!" Cloud brought down the Buster Sword, breaking open the table Alice was sitting at. She gasped in fear and jumped back.

"N-Now, C-Cloud... c-c-c-can we t-talk about t-this?" Alice weakly squeaked, backing up and trying to avoid the angry, now-homicidal Ex-SOLDIER who was never in SOLDIER, and his huge Buster Sword that was NOT made from aluminum alloy.

"NOOOO!!! COOOOOKKKKIIIIIIIEEEEE!!" Cloud slashed at Alice, missing only because Alice was so short. 

"AAAAIIIIIIIEEEE!!' Alice jumped out the window and ran away, leaving Cloud to go collect his thoughts. He surveyed the area, eyes focusing on the knocked-out Sora and the sobbing Riku, then to the unconscious Leon and Yuffie, and finally to Ansem, who was awake and in major pain.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE??" He cried, falling to his knees. "I was mean to all my friends, only because I wanted cookies!" Cloud felt a change of heart coming on, and he quickly whipped out the Yu-Gi-Card.

"I can do it! I'm gonna help everyone!" Cloud smiled, and quickly casted Life and Curaga on everyone. 

"Gawd, my head..." Yuffie moaned, then she squealed with delight and hugged Leon, who was sprawled on top of her.

"Gaaahh... where was I? Oh yeah! Doom doom doom..." Sora sang the minute he regained consciousness.

"The pain is gone! Yay!" Ansem jumped up, and looked around. "Cloud? Why did you help us?"

"Because..." Cloud whimpered. "I did this all for cookies! AND DID I GET COOKIES? NO!" He cried, looking perfectly miserable.

"Oh no, Cloud saved us?" Leon moaned. Ansem and Yuffie gravely nodded. Then they noticed the cliff conviently placed right beside the little wooden shack.

"...Guys, he DID save us..." Yuffie quietly reminded the two grinning men.

"Yeah, he'll get all the glory too, and Ansem still be picked on, you'll still be regarded as whiny Materia brat, and my game will continue to be bashed by ignorant FF7 fanboys!" Leon pointed out.

They could just hear it now. Cloud, the perfect main character, loved by everyone, did what three powerful warriors (well, two warriors and a mage) could not do. Aerith would be nicer to him, FF7 would gain more popularity, there would be parties, books, movies... Leon, Yuffie and Ansem would just be regarded as failures, and would be stuck to live under Cloud's shadow once more! 

"We can't allow this!" Ansem firmly decided, and they strode over to a sniveling Cloud.

"Cloud, we have something to show you." Ansem smiled. Cloud's face lit up with excitement. Chuckling, the trio lead Cloud out to the side of the cliff. It was tall, perhaps 70 feet tall, and there were sharp rocks at the bottom. The waves looked menacing as they crashed against the shoreline.

"Cloud..." Leon started. "We want you to stare down the cliff. We'll get your present soon..."

"OK!" Cloud concentrated on the bottom of the cliff with glee. Ansem suddenly pushed Cloud forward, letting him tumble down to his death.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" Cloud's screams were stopped by a very nice splash sound. The three looked at each other and smiled.

"We will never speak of this again." They decided, and they went back to Sora and Riku, explaining that the whole thing was just some crazy hallucination brought on by alcohol. 

~~~~~~~~~

So ends our confusing tale of woe. But there are questions left unanswered. Where did Alice go? Did Cloud survive the fall? Were Ansem, Yuffie and Leon constantly plagued by the fact that they murdered the very one that they saved?

The ending was so sudden and rushed, just like FF7's ending. Of course... here is the epilogue, where you may draw your own conclusions...

****

EPILOGUE (or, events that hint toward a possible sequel)

"Mooooooom... I'm going out with Sora!" Riku pranced to the door, about to open it. 

"Alright!" Aerith smiled, poking her head out from the kitchen door. "Just be back by eight, OK?"

"OK!" Riku exited the house, rushing to the beach. Aerith laughed cheerfully, and she strode to the living room. Sephiroth was there, sitting on the couch, playing Final Fantasy X and complaining about Tidus' whiny voice and why Lulu couldn't lower her dress further down.

Aerith snuck her arms around his waist and kissed his head. 

"Hey, honey..." Sephiroth smiled, tilting his head up.

"Riku's out with Sora, just to let you know." She informed him. Sephiroth frowned.

"Well, I would like it if he had a nice FEMALE lover, but... it's cute to see them in love..." Sephiroth reutned his wife's smile. He didn't take the news as bad as everyone thought.

~~~~

"Riku! I thought you were late!" Sora smiled, waving Riku over. Sora was sitting by the seashore. It was dark and the starts shone, bathing the sky with beauty.

"Aw, Sora, I'm never late!" Riku smiled, and he gave Sora an affectionate kiss in the lips. Sora smiled and dropped something on Riku's hand.

"Hm...? A Paopu fruit?" Riku looked at the star shaped fruit with confusion.

"You wanted to share one with me a year ago, right?" Sora asked, remembering the day at the docks where Riku tossed him one. Riku nodded, lips curling up to a smile. Sora remembered...

He bit into the fruit, tasting the tangy juice then handed it to Sora. Sora was about to bite into it when...

"AAAHHHHH!! TEEF!! I SAID I WAS SORRY! NOT IN THE FACE, NOT IN THE FACE!!"

Riku rolled his eyes. Sora laughed and bit into the fruit, hugging Riku. "Now we're stuck forever!" He smiled, and hugged Riku tighter.

Now, Riku thought with amusement, was that a curse or a blessing?

~~~~

"Awww, Teef, I said I was sorry!" Reno chuckled, dodging another book. Tifa caught him flirting with a bar waitress and he paid dearly for it.

"You say that all the time! Reno, do you really love me...?" Tifa sighed. Sometimes she was sick of Reno.

Reno grinned wolfishly and hugged Tifa, stroking her hair. 

"C'mon, babe, why do you think I married you? I was just playing, all the girls know I'm taken..."

"You mean it?"

"Yeah! Now... wanna do the horizontal boogie with me?"

SMACK!

Reno was answered with a book to his face.

"You're really sweet, Reno..." Tifa laughed, rubbing his face for him. "But your come-on lines suck."

~~~~

Kairi sat back on her couch, flipping through various TV channels. She looked patiently at the clock.

Well, she sadly mused, There goes the best weekend of my life...

As if in cue, the door burst open and Ansem walked in. He looked around and was surprised that the apartment was still intact.

"Hey, Dad!" Kairi greeted him. "How was the wedding?"

"Terrible. I ended up killing someone again..." Ansem muttered. He whipped out his sin list and added "Killing Cloud Strife" to the list, then reviewed it. Yep, he was going to hell, no question about it.

"Was it Sora??" She asked gleefully, turning around and gripping the top of the couch. Ansem shook his head. She groaned and let her head drop onto her arms.

"Strife." Ansem quietly said, then he grinned. "I pushed him off a cliff!"

"Now I can't nominate him for the Darwin Awards!" Kairi laughed, and she moved over for her father to sit on the couch. He did so, then in no time, he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of bloody shooting sprees and whatnot.

~~~~

"Squall, look at him... isn't he cute??"

"Yeah, yeah... and it's Leon..."

"Squall! You are not looking at him!"

"For the love of Shiva, it's LEON!" 

"Awwww... but our new kitty is sooo cute!"

Yuffie squeezed the kitten again and petted it. The kitten, a cute beige color with a white-ringed tail, purred. Leon rolled his eyes, wondering how someone can get all caught up in one silly cat.

The kitten crept out from Yuffie's grasp and settled onto Leon's lap, purring and rolling against his stomach. Leon smiled and tickled the kitten under his chin. 

"See, you like the cat too!" Yuffie teased. She giggled and rested her head on Leon's shoulder. Awwwww... how sweet...

~~~~

"Aw man! How the hell will I be able to return THIS to Sephiroth?"

After using just about every trick in the book to rid himself of fangirls (Lance only ignored Trick #45: Get a weapon of mass destruction and kill them all), Lance was now stuck in Deling City, dragging around a huge eight foot sword and was deprived from the precious substance known s coffee for eight hours.

"GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" Lance screamed, and he proceeded to run around in circles cursing his life and cursing Russia for not letting him go into space.

"You want to go to space, do you not?"

The sound of the odd voice made him stop and stare off into the darkness in confusion.

"W-who's there?" Lance called out, feeling very scared. "I have the Masamune and I'm not afraid to use it!" He warned.

"Don't be afraid! Nothing bad will-AUGH!!" The figure tripped and fell, some of it's hair spilling in the spotlight. It looked rather...blonde...and chocobo-ish...

"Hey! Is that you-"

"SSSHHHH!!" The figure shushed Lance. "No one is supposed to know I'm Cloud Strife yet!"

"Um... OK... Cloud..."

"NO! I AM NOT CLOUD!!"

"OK, OK, Person-who-is-not-Cloud!" Lance calmed down the hysterical figure. The figure resumed his "I-am-evil-so-fear-me" pose and he gained back the creep deep voice.

"Anyway... I can help you get there... IF you help me!"

"Oooooh! I can go up to space too??" Lance asked, his eyes all starry.

"Yes. All you must do is get me some cookies. Chewy. Chocolate Chip, please." The figure ordered.

Lance was again confused, but hey, it's an offer to go to space for a measly box of cookies, why not?

"I'll be back!" And with that, Lance ran off to the nearest supermarket. Little did the singer know, he would regret ever taking up the offer...

****

END OF PART ONE

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And we are done. Done. With Part One :) YAY!! Finally, I got this thing finished and I am very happy! 

I made this part one because I have too many different fanfic ideas swimming in my head. Maybe I can combine them and come up with something so stupid, I'll get shot for being a disgrace to all human-kind. WISH ME LUCK, LOL!

Oh yes, **THANKS TO ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED THIS STORY!! **Have a Happy New Year and may school/college/work/life have mercy on you.


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